A Foundation for Life

by Geoff Hogbin

Young people are constantly seeking for clues to a successful, happy and fulfilled life. There are plenty of fashionable and tempting suggestions offered by their peers and the media. But there are not many offered out of personal experience in face-to-face conversation.

That’s where SEM comes in. Through short conferences and longer workshop, SEM enables young people between the ages of 14 and 21 to explore the fundamentals of a loving, committed relationship, using marriage as a model.  It works in schools with students, and in prisons with young offenders.

Take as an example the half-day SEM conferences this year at St Bernard’s Catholic School, High Wycombe, and at Bicester Community College, run as part of the PSHE (Personal, Social and Health Education) curriculum. A total 150 and 70 students respectively worked in small groups to express their individual feelings about having a family and getting married. Even at 15 years old, typically nearly 90 per cent of young people aspire to getting married and having a family – and have hopes and fears about both!

The student groups then met successively with two married couples, overseen by a SEM trained facilitator or adviser/coach, to test these hopes and fears against the reality of married life. Taking the initiative, the students asked questions to explore the couples’ relationships. The stories of the married couples, immersed in all the joys, struggles and realities of everyday life, were a fantastic resource on which the students were able to draw. This was real communication across the generations and across cultures. Everyone could and did speak their minds honestly, confident that what was said would remain confidential.

Later, a  student at St Barnabas wrote in the conference evaluation: ‘It made me realise what I want my marriage to be and how to make it work’. A student at Bicester Community College wrote: ‘I think I feel less concerned about marriage. I know more clearly that it is something I want in my life.’

SEM’s longer workshops run for six to eight sessions for smaller groups of volunteering students, giving the opportunity for more in-depth dialogues between them and each of three couples. The direction and content of the dialogue is driven by the students’ interest in the dynamics of each couple’s relationship and couples do not have to prepare what to say. It is a fundamental principle of SEM that the students conduct the exploration, to enable them to explore the realities of married relationships in our society today.

As well as in schools, SEM volunteers from the Oxon and Buck Local Action Group run workshops or courses in Aylesbury Young Offenders Institute. This is within the prison’s Resettlement Programme for young prisoners, who are about to be released.

All research indicates that the major influences preventing re-offending are to have a job, a home and stable relationships.

The course is called “Building Lasting Relationships” and the aim is to enable young offenders to build such relationships, whether within marriage or not. The hopes and fears of the prisoners, relating to marriage and families, are similar to those expressed in schools, as is the method of the workshop.

Over five sessions young men aged 18 -21, with their own experience of family, however positive or dysfunctional, come together with adult couples to  explore for themselves vital issues in relationships, family and marriage.

At the end the prisoners are awarded a certificate recognising what they have achieved and contributed. This is often the first certificate they will have ever received in their lives for anything.

The prison chaplain says of the course: ‘…SEM is a very positive thing and they operate a democratic way of working in which prisoners decide how they want the group to operate and the questions they wish to ask…’

SEM was touched to receive this comment in a letter from one of the young men who attended the course: ‘I learned a lot from the couples and it made me think about my relationship… With everything I’ve learnt on the workshop we’ve sorted out my own relationship and I’ve committed myself to my relationship. Thank you once again for letting me be part of the workshop.’

But it isn’t just the young people who benefit from the experience. We find couples who share their stories invariably find a conference or workshop stimulating and rewarding. An investment is made in the future of society, helping young people to gain an insight into the marriage relationship. From the questions asked, couples discover more of young people’s views on relationships.

Andy and Jill went as a couple to Aylesbury Young Offenders Institute. They told us: We felt as if we had 20/20 vision and were explaining the joys of sightedness to blind people (fabulous but unobtainable). The lives and therefore relationships of the lads with whom we were talking were at unfathomable lows and the prognosis wasn't good. Did we achieve any good? We hope so. It would be an IMMENSE return on our small investment if just one of them began to realise what really matters in life.’

Roger and Chris talked with students at St Bernard’s Catholic School and say: ‘The students’ questions are often challenging and thought provoking and have helped to remind us of the early years of our marriage, which is where the students interest mainly lies. We have always felt uplifted after each session as we recognise how our relationship has grown and changed.

It is invaluable work, but SEM can only continue to offer these courses if there are married couples willing to share their experiences honestly and openly (whether ordinary or extraordinary) even if only once. Could you share your story?

To find out more about SEM’s unique programme or to offer yourselves as a volunteer couple, contact Geoff, chairman of the Oxon and Buck Local Action Group, on 01844 201197 or email hogbing@fish.co.uk. The SEM national office is on 0207 278 0699, email sem@exploring-marriage.org.uk.