Supporting families in crisis

The bleak months of January and February are among the busiest of the year for those who offer support for families in crisis. If Christmas brings problems to a peak, it is the New Year when the fallout has to be dealt with.  We look at two organisations who provide help and understanding when it is most needed.

Newbury couple Chris and Dave Hill believe God has guided them to help others through the struggles of a relationship breakdown.
Chris explains: ‘Dave and I had both previously suffered divorce before getting together. Both Christians, we had a strong feeling that God was wanting us to work in marriage ministry in some way, but weren’t sure how.

‘Then, one day I was reading The DOOR when an advertisement for co-ordinators for Christian charity Aquila Care Trust virtually flew out at me. It did the same to Dave when he read it. Then, a lady vicar told me she had seen the advert and thought it was perfect for us.
‘We prayed over it and had affirmation from many Christian friends that this was the right way forward for us. So, in 2003 we took an intensive training course to be Aquila co-ordinators.’

Aquila Care Trust was formed in 1991 by a group of church members in East Sussex who had all experienced a marriage breakdown. After a series of weekly meetings with Canon Andrew Cornes, who was researching for a book on divorce and re-marriage, they realised the discussions had, co-incidentally, provided healing and support.

Knowing many others experience great pain after broken relationships, and may benefit from similar group opportunities, Aquila was born, offering self-help groups run by trained Christian co-ordinators. The courses are now available as far afield as Wales, York, Kent and the West Country and include a programme of  eight weekly recovery sessions and residential/non-residential weekends, as well as support and companionship.

Chris says: ‘Although the courses are run by Christian co-ordinators the groups are open to everyone.

‘I found that the terrible time through separation and divorce was made bearable for me by the tremendous support given mainly by Christian friends, many from my church of St George’s in Wash Common. Now, we both feel that it was God’s intention that we help others through such painful times. 

‘We hope we show God’s love through our care and acceptance and support. Our aim is to give people coping strategies and help them rebuild their self-esteem and self-value.’ 

For more information about Aquila courses contact Aquila Care Trust central office on 01892 665524.

OFM helps sort out the future step-by-step

The New Year is equal only to Christmas in the number of families seeking help here at Oxfordshire Family Mediation (OFM).

For families recently separated the feelings of loss, confusion, hurt and anger will be particularly acute at Christmas. It just isn’t usually possible for both parents to be there when the children come down the stairs on Christmas morning. And it’s not just child access arrangements that can be a stumbling block. A financially better-off parent buying bigger and better presents can be a source of hurt and contention.

For families just about holding things together the added pressure of expectation and cost can be the last straw.

So, January and February are a time when resources, both emotionally and financially, are often at a low ebb. People know they need to sort out the future, but haven’t got the energy or will to start. At OFM we believe that at this time of year it is even more important to  talk.

Although it might be the last thing they want to do, the whole family will be able to focus more positively on the year ahead if they can work out agreements on everything from children to property and finance. If they can do that around a table together, rather than through the courts, at least for the sake of the children in the relationship, so much the better.

We ask families to sit down with us and decide, step-by-step, what is important to them. Not only does this help practically, it can bring to light hidden issues rather than letting them reach boiling point. This is particularly useful for children.

Sometimes children’s needs can get lost as parents struggle with their own situation. Or they may feel bound to hide their feelings, not wanting to take sides. As one boy told us: ‘I feel like a rowing boat stuck between two battleships’.

We try to help parents look at the emotional, as well as practical needs of their children in the aftermath of separation. In addition, our Children’s Service offers space for children to speak to someone outside of the situation, giving them the chance to feedback to parents without having to brave face-to-face discussion. Talking about their feelings with us can help them come to terms with their new family make-up and work out coping strategies. It’s amazing how confused and anxious children can be when Mum and Dad split up. One boy told us he had spent the last two years thinking Dad left home because one night he asked Mum to read him a bedtime story instead.

It is a misunderstanding parents would be horrified to hear, yet it can happen in the turmoil of separation.

So as we begin 2006, OFM urges families suffering with the details of break-up to sit down and talk things through, at home or to an organisation like ourselves.

Contact the service on 01865 741781,  or  email mediate@ofms.fsnet.co.uk

Ian Bottomley is Service Director of OFM.