by Michael Smith
Chaplain of Helen House
The terrorist attacks in the USA and the military action in Afghanistan have been covered in graphic detail on the television news. Most of our children are aware that frightening things are happening in the world. However, children will react differently to what they see and hear. Some may virtually ignore it, thinking it’s all happening a long way away, but others may be very worried, particularly by talk of war and further terrorist attacks.
My experience as chaplain at Helen House, a hospice for children, has given me some ideas about how we communicate with children, particularly when we are dealing with bad news. We cannot not communicate with children. They always sense when something is wrong or we are anxious especially if run into the room to turn off the TV when the news comes on. Perhaps the best thing to do is to ask them if they want to watch the news and if they do, to watch it with them and then give them a chance to talk about what they have seen.
We should only answer the questions they ask! It is very easy to ramble on answering questions we assume they are going to ask – this is always a mistake. When they have had enough of talking about a particular subject, however frightening, they will go and do something else or change the subject.
We should never make promises we cannot keep. The chances of being involved in a terrorist attack are statistically very slight but it is a mistake to promise that we, or those we know, will never be caught in the such an attack.
Because of what our children see on the news, films, TV programmes and computer games, many of them assume that death is always bloody and always violent. It is good to remind them, when appropriate, that death is a natural part of life and that in most cases is quiet and peaceful.
Children are aware that there is a taboo about death. Children play with taboos. They may ask silly or inappropriate questions – we should not over-react to these, but gently answer them and help them to understand what is acceptable and what is not. Praying with children and letting them pray, can be helpful for them and for us.
Our instinct as parents and teachers is to protect our children. However they do need to learn how to live with sadness and uncertainty. We do them no favours by giving them a false picture of what the world is like. I believe that being open and honest with them, hopefully in the context of a safe and secure home and family, will enable them to deal with the difficulties and pain that is an inevitable part of life. My work at Helen House over 12 years has shown me that children living in the face of adversity are usually wise, strong and resilient.Often they end up supporting and comforting their parents!
Father Michael Smith is also Priest-in- Charge at Holy Trinity Church, Cookham
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