Christmas is traditionally a time when families come together and where traditions that have been passed down from generation to generation are played out and remembered. Whether we celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Eid that sense of celebration gives a sense of belonging and being part of a family that is unique and special. Often Christmas traditions are wrapped in memory, sometimes their roots are unknown and yet nevertheless faithfully re-enacted.

But for many Christmas is not a time of joy and celebration especially when someone they love has died. The once Festive season can instead be shrouded in sadness and loneliness. When all around in shops and homes there is a frenzy of activity, the sense of loss for those who are bereaved can be intensified.

Here at Seesaw we are very aware of the struggle and challenge this time of year presents to families. Adults try to balance their grief with ‘still doing Christmas’ for the children, and children become anxious when it seems that everything has changed! As with most support SeeSaw offers there is no right and wrong way of managing the Christmas season, for each person it will be different, and our role is to help families as they find their way through what was once a joyful celebration.

Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean the family’s feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger and anxiety will go away, so acknowledge the feelings. Like any other time of year bereaved families need you to listen rather than to give advice or say ‘you know how they feel’.

Support families in making their own decisions about what they want to do over Christmas rather than assuming you know what is best for them.
Encourage families to talk about different options of what they might want to do whether it’s being alone, going to family or friends or even hosting the party. Leave room for decisions to be changed. How a family might feel one day may not be how they manage another.

Some families find it hard buying presents, some find writing and sending Christmas cards is just too difficult and intensifies the feelings of loss. Supporting decisions not to send cards and offering help with shopping whether it’s sharing a trip to the shops or making suggestions of gifts on the internet may be helpful.

Talk with families about how they might want to remember their loved one especially at Christmas and where appropriate help with this. Offer lifts to visit the grave, cemetery or special place. Think about opportunities for families to light a candle for the person who has died as part of Christmas church services or offer a candle to the family to light in their own home.

Remember that the Christmas season can be stressful for most people, for the bereaved it can emphasise the sense of being alone and be compounded by the general exhaustion that often accompanies grief. Don’t be afraid to invite adults out for a special cup of coffee or a drink and don’t be afraid to have a laugh! Offer fun activities for the children. They too sometimes need permission that it’s ok to still have fun.

Jenny Hyson is the Children and Family Support Worker at See Saw.
SeeSaw supports bereaved children in Oxfordshire when a parent or sibling has died. In the uK 12 children are bereaved of a parent every hour of every day. This means one in 29 children will be spending this Christmas without someone they love. If you would like to support bereaved families in Oxfordshire, not just at Christmas but throughout the year, then why not support the work SeeSaw by individual giving or as part of your church’s Christmas collection. For more information contact Jane Elliott, fundraiser on 01865 744768. Bereaved families living in Oxfordshire can contact SeeSaw direct for support or advice on 01865 744768.