Left Behind: Coping after a Suicide

Janice, a licensed lay minister, speaks about the suicide of her husband Daivd, and its impact on her faith.  A member of Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS), Janice organised the charity's annual service at All Saints' Parish Church on 3 May.

Suicide was decriminalised more than than 40 years ago. But for the relatives of those who commit suicide, they can all too often be made to feel ashamed of the way their loved one died.
‘David was ill, he died of an illness: depression,’ says Janice. ‘But many people still see the manner of his death as a sin.

‘People respond very differently to you when you are bereaved by suicide. I could see in the shop where I was working, people would come in, see it was me, and go away again. Even people in church responded differently than if David had died another way: some obviously still thought it was a sin.’

David had been ill with depression for a year before he died. He and Janice ran a chain of fruit shops, and the business was showing signs of failing and the family was in debt.

Janice says: ‘He gradually went down hill through 1992. I didn’t get him to the doctors until the summer, he was put on medication and a psychiatric nurse came to him. Twice the doctor thought about sectioning him but didn't. We were supported by our church – David was a churchwarden there. The vicar and friends used to come round and pray for us, I found it helpful but I’m not sure David did, the talking used to go round and round in circles.

‘He died when I thought he was getting better – only later I realised he had had it all planned out. We worked together, and we were very busy just before Christmas. I had been with him all the time, but he was looking better and feeling better and suggested he would go and do deliveries. It was the first time we had been apart.

‘A bit later I had a peculiar phone call from him, he was saying his goodbyes really, I think. I knew there was something wrong so I went straight home but I was too late. I found him. He had taken an overdose, and had drunk some whisky and put a plastic bag over his head too. Suddenly my house was full of people, police and ambulance and everyone. I had to get my daughter. We were due to do a service at Asda that night so had to tell our vicar we couldn’t.’
There was little ‘organised’ support at that time for Janice, or her 13 year old daughter Louise. The charity Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide was set up in 1994 but Janice only found out about it last year, when flicking through a parish magazine during a visit to a church in the Cotwolds.

After initially thinking she was ‘over it’ and didn’t need the support, she decided to go to the charity’s annual service with her friend Marie.

‘When I went I thought I was ok about it but I was in a complete heap during the service.’
She decided to get involved and offered to help organise the 2008 service. She saw Bishop Alan to discuss the service (he will attend this year’s) and he suggested she start up a support group in her area, High Wycombe. Around eight people now attend this group each month.

The feelings people have after a suicide are often different from the usual feelings of grief and loss.

There can be a lot of ‘if only’s,’ says Janice. ‘If only I had got there earlier, if only I had intervened before I could have done something. And a lot of anger. Some people feel angry at the health service for failing to help, others are angry with the person who has died.

‘I was angry at David. I felt like he had just left me, he'd dumped me and I had to carry on. I was also angry at God, but I think God can take that.’

In the 17 years since David’s death, Janice has embarked on a huge journey of discovery. A practising Christian before, she stepped into her husband’s shoes becoming a churchwarden then, last year, a licensed lay minister.

This journey was, she says, sparked by David’s death. When praying shortly afterwards, she was given a message: Isaiah 61. ‘He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to comfort all who mourn.’

She says: ‘I thought at first but I’m mourning, why should I be looking after other people who are mourning?’

But she was true to the word. And all these years later, in her role as LLM and an organiser for SOBS, Janice is fulfilling her commission.

• For information about SOBS, or to talk to someone in complete confidence, contact SOBS national office on 01159 441117.