What can I give him?

IT’S probably a bit early to be alluding to a Christmas carol in October, but the words of one a verse from ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ have been in my mind this month after the death of a close relative.

‘What can I give him, poor as I am…What can I give him. Give him my heart.’ I thought I understood the words before, but my experience over the last few weeks has given them an altogether deeper meaning.

Returning from holiday in September I got the message that my Uncle, terminally ill with cancer and a brain tumour, had lapsed into a coma and could die at any time. My father wanted me to drop everything and visit him immediately, but I surprised myself by being initially resistant.

I loved my Uncle very much and I think in my heart I knew I should go. But my first, very strong reaction was ‘What good could I do by being there now?’ There was an expert medical team monitoring him daily; his sister and her daughter, both district nurses, were on hand, and my Aunt had a strong network of family and friends dropping in constantly.

I felt that I would be more of a hindrance, practically speaking. And I have never managed to master my tears in emotional situations, which wouldn’t exactly help.

But I realise now that I was missing the point. Urged by my (very wise) husband I did drop everything and make the journey to Lincolnshire.

And when I walked through the door of my Uncle’s house, and my Aunt just hugged me for what felt like minutes in the hallway, I understood that it was just being there that mattered. She didn’t care what I could or couldn’t do – she didn’t need me to do anything (though I did make endless cups of tea). What I could give as well as anyone else was my heart, in listening to and supporting and, yes, crying with my aunt, and in taking a turn to sit holding my Uncle’s hand.

I had thought, as I have done in other situations throughout my life, happy and sad, that what I was and what I could offer wasn’t good enough. But what has finally dawned on me – as it did for the shepherd boy visiting the baby Jesus – is that I should trust that if we approach with love in our hearts, then that is good enough for God and should be good enough for everyone else.