Bridget Jones gets religion (but not for long)

May 24
7pm. Am going with Jude, Tom and Vile Richard to Alpha evening. Is apparently 'free dinner with religious dimension'. Vile Richard is now 'born again' and tasked with infecting rest of us in manner of pyramid selling or Time Share offers. Anticipate shepherds pie and carrots in dark, cold hall.  7.30pm: Just leaving house. Late due to major clothing-choice crisis. Never been to anything with 'religious dimension' so v.difficult to settle on appropriate outfit.
8pm: Burst into room which is eerily quiet. Very good-looking man in chinos with broad shoulders, square chin and perfect teeth is just saying 'Amen' as I say loudly 'Sorry I'm Late'. Smiley girl in flowery dress called Sarah shows me to my seat. Was wrong about venue. Is not dark hellish ante-chamber but large, airy, Fung-shuied room with minimalist décor of chrome and cream.  Very Conran.
8.30pm: Hurrah! Am also wrong about shepherd's pie and carrots, and the hunk (Christopher) is on my table! Is very attentive and asks me all sorts of questions over the salad tricolore. Also makes sure I get more than my fair share of the Chablis! Imagine seduction scene with Christopher as religious superhero. Has probably got excellent genes too and would make v.g parent.  But Christopher is vicar. Should not be imagining shagging vicar.  9pm: Aha! Have established that Christopher is not vicar after all but 'lay assistant' (sounds promising!). Vicar is much older and uglier person who only comes out for weddings and funerals.

May 31
Have finally found meaning and purpose to life after second free-dinner-with-religious-dimension. No longer wandering nomad and feckless sinner in manner of very-thin-and-beautiful-superstars (eg Jennifer Aniston), who may seem happy but are not really. Apparently. According to Christopher.

June 2
9st 3, but not perturbed. No need to diet. Jesus loves me AS I AM!
Hurrah! Can eat as many pain au chocolat as fancy. 

June 3
8am. Very pleased with self. Woke up for Quiet Time, making significant spiritual progress by imagining myself locked in close but asexual embrace with Jesus. Phoned Christopher twice yesterday and he said that's what I should be aiming for. Then imagined self locked in very sexual embrace with Christopher, which made quiet time go very quickly. 

June 4
11pm. Nightmare day! Have lost faith, along with new spiritual underpinning of life. Found out Christopher has been seeing Tom! No sex allowed, apparently, so can't last. But even so, feel spiritual commitment must be reassessed in light of this new information

Alison Webster is a Socially Responsible Adviser to the Diocese of Oxford, and will return to her normal personality in our next issue. Possibly.