Married to the minister

The idea of a husband and wife clergy team may sound like a match made in heaven, and it is becoming more and more common. In Oxford we have more clergy couples than most other dioceses, with 28 living and working in the area.  But there are difficulties, many of them practical ones to do with housing. There is a centuries old law which dictates that Rectors and Vicars who possess freehold (which means they ‘own’ their parish and can stay until they are 70, rather than being appointed on a fixed term licence) have to live in the vicarage. The law was drawn up in the days when vicars moved overseas and left their parish in the hands of a curate. For couples like the Loveridges this law meant that it was impossible for them both to be in parish ministry. But this diocese has found creative solutions to the problem (see the Harpers’ experience, below).

Some couples want to work closely together, perhaps supporting each other in the same parish. Others want separate, parallel career paths. Director of ordinands for Buckinghamshire, the Revd Canon Andrew Meynell, said that he counsels clergy couples very carefully when they come forward. In most cases, one or other has been ordained for years before the other comes forward, but he has recently advised a couple who came forward together. ‘We work very carefully to make sure that they are doing this independently, and feel called independently of each other. We need to make sure one spouse is not in the shadow of the other.

‘We also talk about boundaries, and how both being in ordained ministry will impinge on home life – that is very important.’

In many cases, one spouse will go into non-stipendiary (unpaid) ministry while the other is a stipendiary priest. Some diocese do refuse to pay more than one stipend per family, though Oxford is not one of them.

The Door spoke to three clergy couples in different roles to explore their experiences of combining home, relationship and ministry.

Harpers

Rosie and Tim Harper worked together as musicians before they became priests. Tim was ordained first, and Rosie was a clergy wife for 13 years before she sought ordination. Tim is now Team Rector at Amersham and Rosie is vicar of Great Missenden. Her first curacy was working with her husband in Amersham. They have three children and they live in the Rectory at Amersham, which is six miles from Rosie’s parish. The vicarage in Great Missenden is being rented out to youth workers, a ‘creative solution’ by the parish and the diocese, says Rosie.

Tim : I suppose it was a risky decision, having Rosie as my curate. I was surprised when the diocese came up with the idea, but this has always been a training parish. It was all done very above board, very scrupulously.

When it came time for Rosie to leave, the only difficulty was that people here in Amersham liked the ‘Tim and Rosie show’.

It was important for Rosie to be free from me and do it on her own, though.

I went along to the interview with Rosie for Great Missenden and was doing the polite chat, wearing a tie and a suit and not in clergy ‘uniform’, and when they asked what I did I could see their jaws drop. I said that we needed to discuss living arrangements etc so it was on the table from the start, that Rosie would not be able to live in Great Missenden. They were very open to it.

All I can say is that it works for us, but maybe it wouldn’t for other couples. In terms of running our lives I can't see it would be any different if we were both doctors.

We are very lucky in that it has allowed us to balance our family life and careers. We can be flexible and sort out between ourselves to be back for the children when they come home from school, for example.

We have come so far through God’s grace. It was the training, curacy and getting the incumbency for Rosie that felt like the difficult bit. I believe that if we have been led through the River Jordan so far the next phase will surely be the easy bit!

Rosie : I was thinking about going forward for ordination for several years before I did. The children were very supportive of my decision. Spiritual life is quite ‘in’ I think at the moment so they think it is quite cool to have parents who are priests. Also, because women priests are still comparatively new, they are quite proud to have a mother who is a priest and think it is a radical thing to do.

When I was a ‘clergy wife’ I didn’t do the flowers and that side of it but I did get very involved in pastoral work.

It wasn’t until the vote came to allow women priests that I started really thinking about going forward.

Tim was very supportive of me going for ordination. We don’t feel we are in competition but in collaboration. We have always worked well together, we met when we were both musicians, so it is quite natural for us to continue.

I knew when it came to getting a parish that not living in the parish would be an issue, but Great Missenden have been wonderfully supportive. It has worked really well: people have been very good at opening their own homes for study evenings etc, so people don’t come out to Amersham.

With us both being in parish ministry, we are able to support each other and discuss problems and solutions.

Loveridges

Jo has just been appointed area dean of Bradfield in Berkshire. Douglas is a hospital chaplain in Reading. He was ordained first, in 1984 though Jo had felt called from an early age. They have three sons.

Jo : I had felt called since my teens and I went to study with that in mind at Kings College in London but the decision not to ordain women at this time was taken by General synod in 1977. I went into teaching instead. When the synod decision finally came I didn't go forward straight away. It felt quite daunting, suddenly knowing I could go forward. The Church needs to think carefully about clergy couples, and work out ways in which both husband and wife can have a parochial ministry. It was fine when I was a curate, but it was difficult when I was looking for a post as vicar of a parish. The Church needs to see clergy couples as something to celebrate. Oxford is accommodating, as I know some dioceses do only give one stipend per family. Oxford does pay two.

My husband is very supportive and it helps that he has had a parochial ministry, we share ideas and problems. People in my parish like the fact that when they go into hospital, Douglas is there.

Douglas : We met when I was training for the Church Army, it was Jo that encouraged me to seek ordination and I was ordained in 1984.

The problem for us came when it was time for Jo to move on from her curacy in St Peter's, Earley. We fell foul of old laws about clergy having to live in their parish, which were put in place centuries ago when clergy used to live in Italy and pay a curate to do all their parish work. The archdeacon was adamant that we both had to live in our parishes, and we would not have been happy to have lived separate lives. If I hadn't been interested in being a hospital chaplain, we would have been in a real crisis. Bishop Dominic (former Bishop of Reading)  found a parish for Jo at the same time as I decided to move into sector ministry.

I love being a hospital chaplain, I feel involved with people all day, and it feels real priestly work, just being with people.

I think the Church has to sort itself out on the issue of clergy couples. I think we are are setting a wholesome example of sexuality to the wider public.

Okes

Elizabeth and Michael Oke are both non-stipendiary ministers in Berkshire. Elizabeth serves in Woolhampton with Midgham and Beenham Valance and Michael at Tylehurst St George. Michael was ordained in 1993, after first training to become a Reader. He continues to work as an electrician. Elizabeth was ordained in 1999. They have two grown-up children.

Michael : I've been called the lager priest – the priest who can reach people that other priests can't reach, because of my job! I often go into homes to do electrical work and come out having done pastoral work and I've done funerals and been booked afterwards to do some electrical work. Elizabeth and I work very well together, we share some of our resources, we've always been doing things in the community so in some ways it’s not that different.

Sometimes I think it still hasn’t hit me that I am a minister, its only when I'm taking a wonderful service like a baptism that it hits me what a privilege it is. When I was first ordained in Mortimer Elizabeth was the church warden and we worked very well together then, she helped me a lot.

I was a lapsed Christian, when Elizabeth and I met. I was confirmed at the age of 33, after we were married.

We try to have quality time together and have to plan the diary very carefully. People in my parish ask me if Elizabeth really likes socialising because they don't see her very often and I tell them she has her own parishes she has to look after!

Elizabeth : I was ordained in 1999, and it had been a long journey. I had been very involved in our parish, assisting the vicar while his wife was ill and it really made me think, is this was God is asking of me? I went to do the St Albans and Oxford ministry course and I really grew a lot doing that. When we first met I was living in Mortimer and Michael used to come with me to church but I didn't know what he thought of it. We married very young and we certainly didn’t think then that we would both end up as priests, we still pinch ourselves sometimes! God has very strange paths for you. But we just grasped opportunities and just went for it. That's how we have led our married life as well! Its difficult sometimes when we can't be together but then the times together are very good, which compensates.

We've gone on working together, on separate tracks but together. Our faith has held us together through our relationship, it has helped us to grow together.