Screwtape letters

These are some of the entries to our Screwtape letter competition. The three winning entries are listed first.

1. Dear Wormwood, I deeply regret that your patient is considering offering herself for ordination. However, we can still use this dreadful idea to our advantage.

At this stage she probably still has in her mind’s eye the memory of last Easter, with her Vicar dressed in glistening vestments, preaching to a packed congregation, and the church decked with daffodils and lilies. I’m glad you say his sermon wasn’t very effective. Let her think she could have done better (or worse, as far as we are concerned).

In any case, encourage her to go ahead with her ambition. Notice I said ‘ambition’. Whatever you do, don’t let her focus on the idea of 'vocation'.

That’s a word we despise and which the Enemy cherishes. Make her see herself as helping her present over-stretched (and I might add handsome!) Vicar, and don’t let her think of him as about to move to pastures new.

Again, foster in your patient the idea that, once ordained, a priest should have the answer to all problems, psychological as well as spiritual, doling out advice to all and sundry, even on the telephone. Encourage her to talk rather than listen. When asked for her opinion, make sure she replies 'The Bible says etc' rather than speak from a viewpoint derived from prayer and meditation.

If she hasn’t done so already, get her to adopt a 'party' line in the church and join one of the many labelled groups. This can help us enormously by widening divisions amongst the Enemy's followers.

Stress the idea of 'availability' in your patient, especially if she aspires to be an N.S.M. As you know, we have broken up not a few clergy marriages by priests putting 'The Lord's work' before 'family time'.

Finally, put her off saying the Daily Office. If you can, it only takes a cold church on a rainy weekday, with bats in the belfry her only company, to cure her of this folly. Don’t ever let her consider the Office as a prayer-link wih the Enemy’s ‘worldwise’ family, to say nothing of her own self-discipline.

Your affectionate uncle, Screwtape
(A.k.a., Rev. Paul Rimmer, Oxford)



2. My dear Wormwood, Your new patient sounds delicious Devil offal! You say you are worried he attends a church, but from all you tell me, he is fast becoming, under your guidance, the kind of C--- (I can’t bring myself to write that word), the Enemy most dislikes. I am delighted to hear you have directed him towards a congregation composed largely of self-congratulatory cliques, who consider all those outside to be ‘lost’.

Skewed self-righteousness can be particularly useful in tempting not just the patient, but his associates, too, into our foul dungeons.

You also write that there is little time for quiet reflection at the services, with the brats allowed to run riot and even swear at the altar.

This is to our advantage, because it prevents him and the rest from communing properly with the Enemy, through the intervention of that abhorrent teacher He claims for His son. Besides, the youngsters are being reared in precisely the right way to make them ours.

I gather he does a lot of charitable giving, but never goes without himself (remember the widow’s mite), and indeed boasts of his generosity. Play hard on that. The more self-important and virtuous he thinks he is, and the more he tries to impose those pious views on others, the better for us.

You imply he is using his C--- faith as another means of personal insurance, something to be strongly encouraged. The Enemy hates being made use of in that way.

I am thrilled to hear how impatient he is with those who don’t share his wishy-washy liberal outlook. Intolerance is a vice (I salivate as I mention the word!), to be vigorously promoted.

You say too, that behind the wheel of a car, he becomes a changed man.

Splendid! Get on with that. Road-rage can be a wonderful temptation to commit real old-fashioned sin (scrumptious!), and actually inflict deliberate harm on others. I can hardly wait for your latest news on that front.

You sound to be doing infernally well for a junior devil in this case. Be sure I shall mention your achievements to Dr Slubgob, because I believe you deserve special commendation.

Continue your fiendishly evil work, and remember subtlety is of the essence.

Your affectionate uncle Screwtape
(A.k.a., Diana Stow, Faringdon)



3. My dear Wormwood, May I congratulate you on your latest letter? How wittily you describe your delicate use of anxiety, jealousy and conceit to manoeuvre your victim, rendered all the more entertaining as suspicion turned to certainty in the mind of your reader that you have failed.

Yes, my dear Wormwood. You may imagine the fury of our Majesties Below when I explain to them the reality of the situation. I leave you to anticipate the penalties I shall be required to exact.

Were you so hoodwinked by your initial success that you failed to reflect upon the Enemy’s true purpose? You claim to have frustrated his intention that your victim play a leading role in his local church. You noticed his disaffection with the church committee, which you fostered by drawing his attention to certain remarks and idiosyncrasies of his fellow committee members, so that he resigned, giving as his reason the demands of his day-to-day work. And despite your victim’s increased attention to prayer.

That alone should have warned you. Even though we can never quite overhear what the Enemy whispers to his followers, you had a duty to pay attention to the reports of increased signals traffic in your locality. You even overlooked the reactivation of two veteran prayer warriors.

I will tell you, Wormwood, what this means. The resistance you encountered was so light, because it was a feint. By the time you receive this reply you will have noticed certain incidents that have confirmed to your victim that the Enemy does indeed wish him to devote his energies to subverting the unconscious allegiance of his colleagues at work. By your negligence you have released into that hitherto unperturbed province ­ who knows what? A Pastor? Maybe even an Evangelist!
Your ravening Uncle Screwtape
(A.k.a., Christopher Hickin, Purley, Surrey)



4. My Dear Wormwood, The purpose of this letter is to inform you (as newly appointed Head of the British Section of the Tempters Training College) of the long-term policies of the Infernal Council (of which, as you are no doubt aware) I am now Head of Secretariat.

As even your predecessor Slubgob was aware, the last twenty or thirty years have seen a sea change in the attitude of humans to faith. Much of this is in our favour: they are more aware of different faiths, and it is not hard to persuade them that there is little to choose between them. The fashionable interest in that invaluable word ‘spirituality’ will help this line of attack. But what if humans actually began to think seriously about their own beliefs? It is in response to this threat that the Lower Command has, for several decades, been promoting cults of personality. Their success is clear from the most cursory look at human newspapers. Celebrities have been downgraded, and are now merely attractive outer shells, driven by a compulsion to publicity; and important issues are trivialised to mere personalities.

In relation to our own work, by the careful cultivation of believers who have the potential for celebrity status, a generation of leaders in the churches is growing up for whom publicity is a compulsive need. Yes, they fill their churches; but the communities they create depend emotionally on their leaders. And, my dear Wormwood, these leaders are wide open to careful, gentle temptation. Mooney (a lot passes through their hands; get some to stick). Sex (no need to say more about this dull routine work).

And, most of all, let them be aware that much of all they do is unique to them, and let that truth slide imperceptibly into pride and unrecognised belief that the rulebooks do not apply to them.

Once such humans fall, they do it in public for everyone to see, read about, and decide ‘if this is Christian faith, it is not for me’. Control the bell weather, and the whole flock to our Father Below. In short (and as I said long ago) ‘nowhere do we tempt so successfully as on the very steps of the altar’.

Signed Screwtape
(A.k.a., John Pearson, Witney)



5. Chigweed, All is not well at Cherwell Bottom; get down there and see what’s happening.

The last time Admiral Roper went to confession he was midshipman in the Ben bow. He has started again, drinks less, potters about on the church roof doing useful things, swears less at Kitty. He is not the only one. People are going to Sarah Green-Buffery from all around. I told you there would be trouble if she was appointed to St. Oswald’s but you wouldn’t listen. She has a Doctorate in Celtic Spirituality as we ll as starred first in Theology. People on the P.C.C., are writing poetry. Miss Truby spends hours in her garden at prayer and wishes she had never heard of the Inland Revenue where her service earned her an O.B.E. Four babies have been baptised in recent months called Iona, Melrose, Aidan and Cuthbert; this is on top of Ninian and Colum last year: appalling. Dick and Jenny Tugwell are getting up a party to study Irish high crosses next year. They are already over-subscribed. I ask you! Sarah’s husband, Peter was a Cricket Blue at Cambridge. The Parish is buzzing with cricket. Death Chigwell, death is what you are about, not life. How could you let loose a man like that in a country parish. He has already found a fourteen year old girl who can put the ball in the same spot over after over and swing it both ways.

On top of all this Father O’Malley has gone. The new man at the R.C., Presbytery is Jim Crossley. He is telling everyone that the Biblical nature of Church of England Catholicism requires them to include women among the clergy. The Lord calls, the Lord calls, he keeps saying. That is a shockingly awful thing for people to hear. Get O’Malley back.

Lastly, Dixon-Harris at St. Mark’s has stopped wearing his clerical collar, goes around looking like a layman and tells people that his is one ­ adding gaily ‘in holy orders that’s all’. If that gets around where will it all end? Grip, Chigweed, grip is needed.

Netherbury
(A.k.a., Rev G Lindley, Cowley)



6. Hey Wormwood ol’ buddy, How’s it goin’? Still working on ‘The Project’? That’s great!! Your last email was cool. I think its great the way you’ve made ‘Salvation’ the only reason for becoming a follower of the nameless one. All that baloney about self-denial and self-abnegation, just wasn’t selling.

Remember we’ve got a gospel too and we have to market it right and make sure it reaches the right clientele.

‘We have all sinned’ is too weak a tagline, we have to punch out our message so it hits home. So lots of the women caught in adultery but none of the rich man rejected by Christ. After all they are our most fervent sponsors, and one thing devil’s school teaches us is not to burn your own.

Also keep on with that Bible as ‘Inerrant Word of God’ approach you outlined in the last board meeting, it seems a very lucrative approach. It is also useful to us in that it discourages them from asking serious questions and having a questioning progressive faith in him above. So play down the discrepancies between the Genealogies of Matthew and Luke, the dispute over where his first post resurrection appearance was (on a mountain side in Galilee (Matthew) or in a secret room in Jerusalem (Mark and Luke), and get them to deride Paine’s ‘Age of Reason’ as something to be feared rather than (as our enemy would like) a challenge to be faced and matured over. The more we can convince the outside world that Christ’s mission is mythology the better, the best way to do that is have it presented as mythology rather than as historically accurate or ethically important. That is why ‘Salvation’ through the death of’ is so important to us, as in appealing to natural self interest rather than moral sense, we ensure ourselves a full furnace every time.

I notice too that silly Schleiermacher tosh of faith being rooted in the natural awareness of the presence of an infinitely more intelligent power and will at work in the universe is being given a fresh airing. We need to put the light out on that one quickly as it could ruin our whole mass damnation scheme and we haven’t’ had one of these for a while now. Faith comes from belief in ‘Word of God’ and the hearing thereof and nothing else.

A little dishonest perhaps, but it sells and stops people from growing and thinking.

After all if we can convince them that the God that intervenes during services to heal toothaches is the same who did not intervene to prevent Auschwitz then we have them on a spit already.

Above all don’t let them forget what Uncle Beelzebub is so fond of saying: ‘A wealthy church is a healthy church’.

All the worst, Uncle Screwtape
(A.k.a., Alan Page, Oxford)



7. Screwtape and the Weapons of Mass Destruction The Devilish Intelligence Committee has issued a dossier on the enemy’s weapons of mass destruction. If handled properly they could unleash incredible damage on our plans. Evidence has shown that when used in the wrong hands these weapons can change the world, as we know it. Thankfully most of these are well hidden. The deadly axis of evil for us is Faith, Hope and Love.

Where Faith is discovered we need to sow Doubt. We must promote the idea that the church is old fashioned and that being modern is a good thing. We have made huge triumphs with our campaigns about Sundays. The church looks out of date and therefore of no relevance. If the real truth that Sundays are a holiday and will do the humans good we would be lost. Why the enemy creates gifts for humans is as yet beyond our keenest agents’ investigations. However these gifts bring tremendous scope for our work.

Traces of Hope are usually found alongside the Bible. This is the one of the enemy’s most deadly weapons. We know it is being stockpiled but fortunately, for us, not often used. We can reassure you that it is harmless unless it is used.

We need to persuade them that Love and Sex are the same. Humans fall into the two equal and opposite errors about sex. One is to disbelieve in its existence. The other is to believe and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest.

We must encourage the humans to be honest with themselves. If they are engaged in sin then being honest means declaring how they feel ­ as it does not matter what you do if it feels right. This is completely different to the truth, which is to be avoided at all costs. We must persuade humans that desires, feelings, wants etc are natural and to be encouraged and most of all it is harmful to resist normal desires.

We must show how the church is dull and drear. If the church ever discovered that what the enemy calls ‘good old fashioned fun’ is actually one of his creations then our game would be over.

Urgent action is required!
(From David Pickup, Aylesbury)



8. My dear Glugweed, I am seriously alarmed at your patient’s burgeoning attitude to race. He seems to be warming to the Enemy’s pernicious doctrine that all people are of equal value! Steer him away from this at all costs.

Boosting patriotic pride is quite inadequate. He needs an intellectual line. Put books in his way that argue for the innate superiority of his own race. And read them yourself! Whatever did they teach you at Gungewick College? Foster the illusion that whatever is new must be right. That way, you will persuade him that the Enemy’s Word is obsolete.

I must say you did a good job in sending him that WWJD badge. Just the thing! H saw at once that ‘what would Jesus do’ is an absurdly naïve recipe for moral decisions. Well done! Remember, your aim is to make him an intellectual snob. Simplicity is our great enemy. Fight it as you would an angel.

Foster his xenophobia. There is plenty of material. Take him past a mosque; make sure he hears the prayers. Then drop newspapers in his way with reports of Muslim-backed terrorism. Send him on jobs that take him to Banglatown. Feed him the statistics of illegal immigrants.

Frankly, I wouldn’t recommend the BNP. Some of our patients are easy meat, but from the sound of it your man needs something more subtle. If you can’t stop him reading the Enemy’s Word, make sure he wallows in passages like ‘You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nationŠ’, and don’t let him see the meaning the Enemy intended. Use the great gift we have of blinding people’s minds.

Come on, Glugweed, get off your tail and get working! Have you lost your thirst for souls? Your rapaciously affectionate, Slimebag
(A.k.a., Simon Baynes, Thame)



9. Dear Beetlejuice It pains me to write informing you of our Lord’s displeasure. It seems that your 1.5 hours of fame, immortalized on celluloid for the edification (how little they know!) of the saints has gone to your head. Whilst conceit and vainglory are characteristics to be desired, this must be for the sole aim of the ruination of man, and never for personal glorification. Evil, not directed towards those we loathe is wasted. The enemy has a similar view on those ugly characteristics of charity and faith.

I set out the battle strategies you are to adopt in your principality: 1. Focus your energies on an imaginative reworking of morality by continuing to foster the belief systems of ‘no absolute truth’ and ‘if it feels good, do it’. It is pure ambrosia to tuck into a meal of a man who has lived to gratify his desires regardless of the cost to others.

2. Encourage the vermin to do the bad they don’t want to do, and hinder them in doing the good they want to do. We have used this tool for many centuries, and as they say ‘if it isn’t damaged, don’t repair it’. However, subtlety is paramount. If we push too hard the enemy feels obliged to help, even at the most feeble sign of belief. Beelzebub! Why he cares so much for the little vermin is a mystery to me.

3. Keep hearts hard with imagined slights and slurs. A soft heart is dangerous (and foul tasting) and is to be avoided. The enemy writes his laws on their hearts ­ so the harder they are, the less able they are to respond to his promptings.

4. Crush self-esteem and boost pride. How precious is counterfeit humility.

They imagine their poverty of spirit to be their master’s idea and this makes them proud! If they knew how we hate the taste of humility prized by the enemy we would be in trouble! Remind them they are the tail, not the head.

Finally I wish you success because failure would not be tolerated. You know the consequences.

I look forward to eating you soon.

Your fiend, Screwtape
(A.k.a., Elaine Cameron, Bucks)



10. My Dear Wormwoodine I am delightfully envious of your opportunities. In my day, girls didn’t have it so good and the entrance exam was much harder. Still, I am gleeful to be your mentor and if you follow my advice, you’ll win this year’s Golden Horns Award. So clever of us in the Ministry to think of it! If only we could get the Enemy to do likewise and start Holy Oscars Awards! Think of the competition, the jealousy, the back-biting, the false modesty ­ the false everything in fact ­ and oh my, the vanity! Let’s try.

Your target is young and needy, so she’ll appear unthreatening and will, at first, attract attention and encouragement through pity. She has only just fallen under The Enemy’s spell so will be nicely open to suggestion. She won’t recognise where it’s coming from, so use your feminine wiles. You, my dear niece, are going to deliver her straight into our groping arms.

Like all her generation, she is instilled with the Cult of Celebrity ­ our greatest achievement since being acknowledged as having the best tunes.

Persuade her to reveal her talent and exploit it, whatever it is, however meagre. (They’ve all got talents, though most of them, fortunately, are hiding them under bushels.) Once ‘discovered’, make sure she steals the limelight (even from Himself!) and demoralises everyone else. She’ll say that she’s working for Him, while feeding on personal adulation. A Celebrity! A Holy Oscar winner! As a bonus, her encouragers will feel so proud of themselves. Before long, they might even encourage her to be ordained. Then you and I can afford a little holiday. Get the brochures! Your affectionate aunt, Screwtapia
(A.k.a., Christine Ratcliffe)



11. My dear Nephew, I note that your patient has recently sent money to Oxfam, that nauseating organisation that meddles constantly with Our Father’s hopes of spreading human misery, and that he is considering future and even regular contributions to the same. That is worrying, but it is a move that can be used to advantage. Aim to keep that luscious word Corruption in the forefront of his mind, so creating doubt as to whether his precious money will be wasted or diverted. Our Father Below has many sticky-fingered adherents, both in the field (to purloin an Enemy term), and in similar organisations. Brace yourself to whisper the chilling word Charity in his hearing, with he immediate suggestion that this begins at home.

At the same time use every visual aid at your command to focus your patient’s mind on his own condition. The media, so brilliantly twisted by our countless helpers in order to fuel our furnaces, can offer him vivid images of Things that appear highly desirable and, cunningly presented, will soon become Essentials. The concept of Want and Need, skilfully juggled, can further confuse him, and his own young family will be most useful to you here. He will soon learn to talk of glorious famine reports as exaggerated and, later, dismiss them as untrue.

The Enemy, with His extraordinary reluctance to compel obedience from His followers, tells a rambling little tale about Sheep and Goats in a pathetic appeal for His sickly humans, and the worst sort of Christian falls for it far too often. Fortunately your case can still be easily saved for his burning. Counter that pastoral pap with the Mark of Our Beast (check Satanic Reference). Spin and invert it frequently before your patient, murmuring this mantra, ‘only £9.99’. It seldom fails.

Your expectant Uncle Pricknitt
(A.k.a., Ursula Maddy, Holton, Oxon)



12. Dear Wormwood, Of course the Friends’ Reunited website (it could be re-named Fiends Re-united) is an excellent perversion. Bored spouses can be induced to cause maximum distress to their families, especially their children, and human misery can be infinitely flattered and delighted, and they have begun a delightfully dangerous flirtation by text message, (the mobile phone is another wonderful device put into devilish hands). It can only end in predictable tears, and of course the soon-to-be-deserted-spouses will have the possibility to play he martyr and have excellent motives for revenge and for using the children as weapons in custody battles. It also involves the entire family hypocrisy, twisting themselves in knots, trying to justify A’s and B’s behaviour. X never bought birthday presents, and broke wind; was under A’s feet all day, and hasn’t got a proper job; B’s wife/husband didn’t have a degree, and now B wants to go off with because A has a degree; B has polished shoes/lovely mannersŠ Y isn’t interested in a high flying career, and is not up to B’s (imagined) levelŠ and it is particularly pleasing because the subjects involved live continents apart, so the full environmental toll can be extracted on God’s earth (How I hate him) with globally warming no frills fightsŠ See if you can influence your subject into thinking there is no way back, and that they are in fact doing something rather wonderful, brave and self-sacrificing in letting their children stay with their father/mother, for the time being. There will be plenty of time to develop the feeling of grief, loss and poverty. What we Devils want, if possible, is to have as many people shuttling around on Access visits, going to Theme parks and eating burgers, rather than enjoying themselves in the real world. God forbid that they should ever be able to take pleasure in small things, family jokes, or that they should learn fortitude in adversity. In fact, that is the one flaw in the plan. He has a nasty habit of blessing his adherents with a spirit of optimism. So you must take care to ensure a mood of resentment, and to keep the subjects away from places of Christian worship, and for allowing any moment of peaceful reflection, and above all foster ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’ mood, so the reality of having several resentful stepchildren in a love nest does not strikeŠ Believe me, the Great Tempter will one day enjoy their writhing soulsŠ Yours, in daily increasing torment,
Uncle Screwtape
(A.k.a., Katherine Syfret, Pangbourne)



13. My Dear Impweedle, Your old uncle has finally mastered this delightful new communication technology that humans call ‘email’.

Yes, our Father Below has installed internet connections in our chambers, and personally hosted a seminar for senior tempters to plot the most fruitful use of that present trend which the mortals dub ‘the Information Age’. (Oh, those superbly distracting, artificial divisions of time, which the humans are so fond of focusing upon! Šbut I digress.) Let me highlight for you some useful tactics that your elders concocted at the seminar.

Email, for our more vulnerable human patients, can subtly consume enormous amounts of time, devouring in idleness that commodity which the humans have in short supply. Unlike the postman, email arrives at any moment. The best tempters can soon have their patients filling entire hours frivolously checking and re-checking for messages that largely do not pertain to them.

Never let your patient see the wastefulness of such activity. Don’t allow him to imagine any similarity between staring at a screen and standing at the letterbox for hours.

But tempting humans to idleness is pixie-play for serious devils! The real juicy delight of email is that it can easily give your patient and over-inflated sense of importance. Impress this upon him: people are writing to him; so much depends upon him; he must attend to those mounting messages from strangers and distant acquaintances alike! While he basks in this sense of grand consequence, turn his attention to another centrepiece of the Information Age: the world news ­ that flattering electronic chatter which nearly always reports our best efforts. And don’t forget to employ useful terms like ‘first-world’ and ‘third world’. Remind your patient often of his position in a pre-eminent nation. Keep him hungry for the latest news report. Maintain the subtle mantra, ‘so much depends on you’, and he will never think of praying for any of the events reported.

You will thus render him unconcerned for his immediate neighbours, ineffective for the Enemy’s purposes, and calloused by unrelenting crises that he can do little to influence.

Don’t misunderstand me, Impweedle. New communication technology, like so many of the devices the Enemy and His human creatures conceive, is not useful to us in itself, but opportunities for our intervention are deliciously plentiful.

Your affectionate uncle, Screwtape
(A.k.a., Tyler Fisher)



14. Subject: Hell on earth How grateful I was to discover another of your rambling diatribes lurking in my inbox this morning! Gone are the days when a receipt of a sulphurous note from yourself would be gratifyingly slowed by regulation second-class delivery.

In spite of the doom-laden moans of luddites and a gratifying upturn in the online market for hand baskets, I fear the fear of technology has actually made us little progress. Our early successes in liturgical sabotage through overhead projection were, I’m afraid, short-lived; IM (not very) HO management didn’t see I-Church coming either! ;( To your question: no we are not ‘nearly there’ at all, however some of them choose to interpret their world events. They’ve created most of that havoc without us having to do very much at all. The problem with it is that the greater the disaster, the greater the capacity for Them to roll out the I*ve ­ and the real stuff too, which as you know has, since That Day, the annoying property of trumping everything else.

So how to proceed? Try and set them against each other in little ways.

Persuade some they’re not good enough for Him, others that they’re the only ones that know His way of doing things. get some thinking the past is best, others the future ­ steer well clear of the present though! Make sure they worry a lot about how other people live their lives ­ takes their minds off their own responsibilities a treat. Fear is great too ­ can flourish for years almost unfuelled unlessŠbut we don’t talk about that.

Finally, I must warn you yet again that the virus-laden mail joke is wearing a little thin with the powers that be down here. You know very well by now why we can’t fit a firewall.

From: mentoring@centralhq.hell
(A.k.a., Andrea Sparrow)



15. My dear Nephew, I am very worried about the popularity of s-called ‘charismatic churches’ and the alleged increase in attendance on Sundays. You really must do something to discourage this, which must surely be only a passing phase. I would suggest you begin by tempting people away.

In this respect, do you think you could promote the Sunday morning Car Boot Sale more? After all, what is better than such a sale on a Sunday morning? Look at the bargains you can find ­ there is nothing like it in church!! These Sunday morning sales are becoming very popular and when they extend into most of the afternoon, there’s not much left of Sunday! So I expect you to really try hard to tempt people away from church. You shouldn’t find it too difficult.

Incidentally, I am very pleased with all the work you are doing in the realms of dishonesty. Shoplifting is on the increase, as is also car crime and burglary. I understand, also, that tax dodging and lying are at an all-time high. Well done! I love the way you make people justify lying by telling them they are merely being ‘economical with the truth’. You must ensure that people’s consciences are not stirred. Just give them a nudge if they appear to waiver and convince them they are not sinning.

I also hear that marriage break-ups are going well and I’m thrilled at the way these have become almost common-place. One of the main issues is the increasing love of money, which has become the god of many people. It’s good to see how they spend money on drugs and drink and that drunkenness is not considered a sin. Saturday nights are becoming unthinkable without a ‘hangover’ on Sunday morning.

In this connection I observe that many young people consider sex outside marriage is quite all right, so I hope you will continue to promote this ‘innocent pleasure’.

Please continue to create discord in the family, as I hate the saying, ‘The family which prays together, stays together’.

Keep up the good work and I’ll speak to you soon.

Your affectionate uncle, Screwtape.

Ps: don’t allow this letter to get into the wrong hands, especially those of a Christian!
(A.k.a., Brian L Harris, Chichester)


16. My dear Wormwood, How foolish you are to say that times have changed and babble on about ‘internet porn’ and about all the tricks we can play with credit cards. Yes of course we can have a few laughs with these ploys, but nothing has really changed.

We still have the steady, daily grind of getting people to look in our direction and not in the enemy’s. Do not be too jubilant about dwindling congregations in churches. I grant you that that is good as far as it goes, but it does not go very far.

The wretched creatures still have restless souls (what a menace Augstine was!) and it is up to us to whisper that the way of the rest is in pleasing themselves.

All this ‘goodwill’ worries me considerably. They seem to be forever having ‘sponsored walks’ ‘sponsored silences’ and the like ­ all to help other people! I don’t’ think we can actually crush this perverse instinct, so perhaps the best idea is to use all these efforts to make them feel what a good job they are doing and divert their minds from ‘the cause’, whatever it may be.

As far as your own patient is concerned, I suggest that you keep him fuddled. Don’t let him think straight. Whenever he feels drawn by thoughts of the enemy ­ and his weak point seems to be music ­ bring him back to earth (or lower!) with a bump, by reminding him of all the things that ‘no sensible person can believe in this day and age’.

Keep working a way and don’t be discouraged. Remember that secret which that ghastly Bunyan stumbled on but which, fortunately, many have now forgotten, that there is a way to hell even from the gates of heaven. And that’s enough to lift our spirits! Happy hunting! Your affectionate uncle, Screwtape.

(A.k.a., Rev Tony Coulson, Reading)



17. Wormwood, my esteemed and revered Master ­ for it is in such terms that I feel I must now address you, in my own retirement.

The success of your present campaign exceeds all I could have wished for.

Such a basic idea, yet it needed a genius to realise its potential. And for good measure you have now involved American Fifth Column! The concept is so simple! ‘It’s in the Bible so it must be right’. Scatter a few loaded and out-of-context biblical texts among our Enemy’s cerebrally challenged supporters, and victory is virtually assured. No vision is sweeter to the Enemy than that of his people’s unity. And unity is really very easy to subvert! You give the example of quoting Paul on the place of women. Result: a sizeable Anglo-Catholic faction declares its’ independence. By the same token, quite Leviticus on gay relationships, and the usual Evangelical Rent-a-Crowd threaten to bankrupt the Church of England. Quote Genesis on Creation, and you’ve split apart the US Christian Educational establishment.

Quote Matthew on the imminence of the End Time, and Generals start sharpening their nuclear weapons. And so on. The scope is limited only by one’s own ingenuity. As some perceptive person once remarked, we on our side certainly know our Bible! You have done well, my loyal disciple of the 1940s! in a couple of generations you have achieved more than I, mistakenly focussing on the puny lives of individuals, managed to do over the course of two millennia.

Victory is in the air! Thanks be to Our Father Below!
Your old friend Screwtape
(A.k.a., Rev John Hawkins, South Croydon)



18. My dear Wormwood, Re. Your latest D-mail from the UK For Hell’s sake don’t tinker woo much with the current smooth operations of the World, the Flesh and the Devil. Just blind people to the consequences of their actions.

As for the World, encourage the divorce of politics from morality and religion. ‘We don’t do God’ as one spokesman so helpfully put it. Promote stories of public funds diverted to private use, and picture officials snorting in the gravy train. The more we portray politicians with elastic consciences the more those with backbone (still too common) will be discouraged. The drop in voting figures is encouraging.

As for the Flesh, these recent sex magazines for the teens, the tweens and the wee’ans are superb. They subvert the whole concept of childhood, transfer the techniques of the brothel to the nursery, and vilify virginity.

Push the ‘morning-after’ (now three day) pill. Youngsters will come together unprotected, and then ­ fuddled by these excellent alco-pops ­ forget all about it. Teen-age pregnancies will balloon, abortion, sharpen its tools, and VD spread like wildfire ­ the triumph of the condom culture.

‘Instant gratification’ ­ that’s your slogan.

As for the Devil (fear him), spin dark threads into the Web! Yes ­ I know it has numerous ‘positive’ sites ­ just bury them under mounds of trash.

Promote the hard porn; it eats like acid into social fabric. And prompt those impish hackers to smash fortunes, and send the whole system crashing.

What else? Your proliferation bits of plastic are brilliant. The credit card has cut the throat of Prudence and sent packing the old horror of debt. Yes ­ the ‘human rights’ bonanza is worrying, bit it can be, and is being perverted. Just conceal the other side of the coin ­ human responsibilities.

Finally, you complain, there are worse things abroad. Don’t worry ­ they’re coming your way.

Yours insincerely Screwtape
(A.k.a., John D Haigh, Oxford)



19. Dear Peter, I write to assure you that investing in Premium Bonds is not gambling, no it is just what I say, an investment. You can always get your money back and do not trouble yourself with the thought that if you do withdraw your bonds you might win that month. Well really would fate be that unkind? Especially as you would only withdraw the money in times of need, or to help a friend.

You say that you cannot afford to invest all that money in one go, well build up your investment over the years and you can watch your winnings grow year by year. The prizes are selected at random, you know, the more bonds you have the more prizes you win. So why not start today and think of it as an experiment in mathematics. Giving to charities is a good thing; just think of how good you will feel when you can increase your present most generous and heart-warming contributions, to something that will make the charities take notice.

The return, even if you win ever month, is not high, I know but it is National Savings and think of it as a small sacrifice for the good of the country. Then if you win a big prize what a bonus!!! Then you can indulge your taste for fine wine, No No!! Sorry what am I saying? You can cultivate your palate and buy some very expensive, No!! I mean good quality wines. Also may I point out that good wine is wasted without good food, so you will become a gourmet as well as enjoying your food? I must close now with one further recommendation that you start buying today, even if you cut back on charitable giving. Most of that money is wasted you know (I see to that Ha Ha!!!). then you can sit back and wait for he good things to flow.

Your ever lasting fiend (hrum hrum sorry) friend Screwtape
(A.k.a., Peter Langstone)

City Council
City of Los Angeles, California, USA

Dear Councilmen

I represent the estate of a member of the higher nobility who, during his extensive travels, developed a particular interest in your city and has remembered it in his will.

Among the items in the inventory of his estate is an original painting of a religious scene showing Christ dispensing his mercy on behalf of a woman found guilty of adultery.  A small portion of the background depicts Moses in the heavens holding the Ten Commandments.  The painting is by one of the greatest Renaissance masters, whose name you would instantly recognize but I am not yet at liberty to divulge.  Pursuant to a specific devise in the decedent’s last will and testament, the painting is ‘to be given to the City of Los Angeles and placed on permanent display in its City Hall in perpetuity for the benefit of the citizens.’

I am aware of the recent federal ruling in one of your Southern states, Alabama, forbidding the display in a courthouse of a statue depicting the Ten Commandments.  The ruling held that the display of such religious laws would be in violation of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution regarding the separation of church and state.  The statue was removed from the courthouse, pursuant to the court’s order.  Thus, it is apparent that your city would be unable to comply with the provisions of the will regarding the public display of the painting.  Under the terms of the will, the painting must, therefore, pass to the contingent beneficiary, the City of Pyongyang, North Korea.  Its city leaders have already indicated an eagerness to accept the painting for permanent display in the People’s Celebration of Freedom wing of their City Hall.  Their Beloved Leader is an accomplished student of the cinquecento period.

The painting is in an extremely delicate condition because of its great age and will need to be carefully restored prior to shipment.  There is a remote possibility that, during the difficult process of restoration, the small portion of the painting showing Moses in the heavens with the Ten Commandments in hand, might accidentally and tragically be lost.  In such a case, it might be no longer be offensive to the provisions of your constitution and your city might be a suitable beneficiary after all.

I have not yet scratched the surface in my legal analysis of such an eventuality, since such research is beyond the scope of my duties in the administration of the will.  However, if you would like me to dig deeply into the matter, I would be willing to do so, for my customary fee.

Respectfully,

Bob B. Eelse, Solicitor

(A.k.a., Craig Chisholm, Lake Oswego, Oregon, USA)